Forgiveness is a difficult thing for us humans. I know I struggled with it over the years and still sometimes have trouble to this day. When I speak of forgiveness I don't mean necessarily forgetting the wrong that was done to you and having no consequences for the action. I mean letting go of negative feelings and hostilities towards the other party. By doing this you let go of resentment, anger and desire for vengeance. This article helps explain what I mean by forgiveness and how it benefits the one who forgives. You can forgive someone and still stay away from them or hold them accountable for their actions and take the necessary steps to protect yourself from further harm. But you free yourself and no longer hold any negative feelings towards them. It is a difficult thing to do.
Animals seem to do this well and I have often used them as teachers for me to model this kind of forgiveness. When animals fight their may be anger to get the adrenaline pumping during the fight but after it's over it's over and each individual moves on with their lives trying to survive the best they can. An example of this was in a documentary I watched about a female tiger. Tigers are solitary animals. The females live in territorial boundaries usually by themselves to raise their cubs. The male tigers also have territorial boundaries and their territory is larger than the females territory and will usually encompass several females who he will mate with. In this documentary the female tiger already had cubs but a male who was not the cubs father had taken over the territory and wanted to kill the cubs and mate with this female. The female of course protected her young and fought the male tiger. The fight was brutal and quick and the female one. The male went off to nurse his wounds. Some time later after the female tiger's cubs had grown and left to start lives of their own the male tiger and the female tiger mated for many consecutive years and the male tiger was often in the company of this female tiger. Another words the two tigers had a difference in goals(one wanted to mate the other wanted to finish raising her current cubs) and they fought to decide whose will would prevail. After the fight they went on living their lives. The male did his thing hunting and mating with other females and the female did her thing continuing to care for her children and raise them to be successful tigers on their own. No grudges held. No resentment. No revenge. When their wills lined up they formed a long lasting and very successful partnership. They lived in the moment and adjusted to the circumstances. There was no cruelty for the sake of cruelty when they fought they were just both doing their thing.
As I explained in a previous post this can be seen all the time in primates as well. Living in social groups means friction is bound to cause spats but they cool down and reconcile and move on. Animals understand that they have to survive and do what they need to do to survive. When they comes in conflict with another their may be a fight but afterwards each gets to go on their way(assuming the fight wasn't to the death which very often it's not) to continue living. And they can reconcile and still work together if the need arises based on conditions. Now of course if repeated cruelty or violence was done it may have lasting affects. You hear stories of pets who can act aggressive to a former abuser but this is rare. Most of the time even when animals come across abuse they learn to trust again and want to forgive and believe the best.
So I try to take my cue from animals. When someone does something that upsets me or I feel wrongs me I try to reconcile and let it go so I hold no ill will to them. If it is repeated cruelty or abuse then I leave the situation and defend myself but try to hold on to the hope that the other person can find peace even if it isn't with me. For each of us are trying to survive the best we can and holding onto hate just poisons our own self. Letting go frees ourself to continue to live our lives the best we can and allows the others in the community of life to do the same.
What struggles with forgiveness have you encountered? I would love to hear about them since as I said I know first hand how difficult this task can be and I feel sharing can help everyone to become better at it.
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