They say everyone’s life changed when the Coronavirus hit. I know mine did. The diner my Mom worked at closed down. She was able to get a job at some warehouse. So I had to leave the only home I knew to move to the city. We had barely settled in when I contracted the virus. My mom was furious. She ranted how I had the worst immune system and never took care of myself.
It got pretty bad and I was hospitalized. I felt terrible. I just knew this was how I was going to die. Why did I deserve to live anyway? I never did anything noteworthy. I was young and relatively healthy but I couldn’t shake the feeling this was the end. The fear washed over me like a tsunami.
It wasn’t new for me. The fear I mean. I had been afraid all my life. All kinds of things scared me. Death of course. Spiders freaked me out for some reason. I always had horrible nightmares for as long as I remembered, so going to sleep in general frightened me. Then there were the terrors that just always followed me around, like the panic of messing something up that’s really important. Or dread of a terrorist attack. My Dad before he died was convinced that terrorist were going to start World War III. When I was younger I was always worried God would punish me or I’d get possessed or something. I know it sounds silly. I kinda just stopped believing in anything like that so those fears would go away.
I laid in the hospital bed in the middle of the night. They gave me something to try and help me sleep but its affects were only so-so. I was too worked up. My mind raced in the cold, dark silence. It’s when the rest of the world is asleep that my fears always decided to get together and throw a huge party. I laid there picturing what it would be like to die, softly crying.
Then I saw a figure standing in the shadows of my room. I shuddered and peed myself a little. The figure didn’t move. I strained my eyesight to see if I was imagining it. Slowly features started to appear. Curled black teeth and horns came into focus. It looked like a demon of some kind. Like my nightmares brought to life. The thought that this clearly wasn’t a human snapped into my mind. I didn’t scream or anything. I think I was too scared. I tried to blink to make it go away but it just stood there in the same spot and stared with these white slits. I turned my body and squeezed my eyes shut tight. I hoped that it would just go away. I told myself my imagination was playing tricks on me. Through coughing fits I tried saying, “Go away”, over and over.
That’s when I heard a raspy voice that said, “I have tried to keep you safe and now look at you.”
“I never felt safe”, I found myself saying out loud.
“Can you hear me?”
“Yes, and see you.” I looked back and the figure who still appeared in shadow moved toward my bed.
“How is that possible?”
“Who are you?”, I stuttered.
“I am Fear.”
“But fear is just an emotion. It’s all in our heads.”
“You think me some passing fancy of your mind? I am one of the keepers of this world, more ancient than you can possibly imagine. Without me all you survey would not exist, including yourself. Who keeps you from falling off a cliff or the antelope from getting eaten? Who makes the tiger seek shelter in the storm?”
“If fear is a real person than why isn’t laughter a person or joy or fun or—”
The raspy voice cut me off. “You’re referring to my relations, Pleasure and Love. Everyone prefers them. The three of us watch over this world equally though. All those who fly, crawl, swim or walk abide by us.”
“If that’s true then why do you look like one of my nightmares?”, I asked.
“How should I know? You shouldn’t be able to see me at all.”
“Well I do.”
“That confuses me as much as it confuses you.”
“Why did you say you were protecting me?”
“It’s my job. I am the protector. It’s who I am and one can’t be anything other than who they are.”
“I’ve been terrified my whole life because of you and you say you were trying to protect me all this time?”
“My intentions were to alert you to the dangers of this world. But you always fought against me and my efforts. I could feel your anger and hatred.”
“Because I didn’t want to be scared.”
“But if I left you something bad might happen.”
I gestured around the room. “It did.” Fear didn’t say anything. His head just lowered. I lowered my head too and began to cry once more. “Am I going to die?” I forced the sentence out of my throat afraid to speak the words.
“My relations and I govern a person’s time here not their entrance or exit.”
“Then what good are you?”, my voice raised an octave in frustration and anguish.
“Perhaps you are right.”
We sat together, the silence an ocean that we both began to drown in. Finally I tried to grab onto something and found only anger. “I don’t understand why you tortured me.”
Fear turned his head toward me, those tiny slits of white sent shivers down my spine. “You never understood me. Nobody does. Everyone runs from me or tries to push me away.”
Something about those words struck a chord somewhere deep inside. “Well, I’m upset with Love and Pleasure too.” I offered him in an attempt to soften my complaint.
“Why are you upset with them?”
“Because I never knew them in my life and I assume I would have liked to know them.”
“They never visited you?” I slowly moved my head from side to side in response to Fear’s question. Fear sighed and shook his head as well. “They often wait for an invitation. I’m the only one who never waits because let’s face it who would ever invite me. I have to work so hard to keep those who dwell on this planet safe. It’s the only way they will know the others. They push me away though so I just push harder.”
“You scare people.”
“I make people aware of their vulnerabilities. But I seem to be the only one who finds the beauty in that.” Fear lowered his head and I laid back down turning my body away from him. I thought of all the times in my life I was afraid. Then I recalled how I always survived everything that happened to me.
As I replayed my life Fear’s raspy voice interrupted. “I will bid you farewell now.”
“Don’t.” I turned my head back to face Fear. “If I’m to die tonight I’d prefer not to do it alone.”
“You always were bothered being alone. It is sorrowful. I know your potential.”
“What potential?”
“You have much to offer people. You would have had many around you if you weren’t always so unsure of yourself.”
“That what I’ve been saying. It was all because of you.”
“I intended to preserve that potential and ensure it wasn't squandered. I guess we both didn’t understand each other.” Fear reached out with his claw and touched my hand. To my surprise it comforted me, so I squeezed it.
“At least I now know someone was looking out for me”, I whispered.
“I have always been your friend.”
I laid there with Fear and as I did I found myself no longer scared. For the first time I remembered I wasn’t worried about what would happen to me. I softly spoke the words, “Thank you”, as I drifted off not knowing if I would wake up or not but at peace with either outcome.
After I made my recovery I had a whole new outlook on life. I swore I walked and stood taller. I saw Fear from time to time and always greeted him with a wave and a little smile. We became fast friends and my world got a lot happier knowing someone had my back.
